Battle with cancer.

Hope is the “feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best”

Restless oh so restless, in the middle of the night,
I reach over for my diary once again, in which I write
My feelings, my joys, goals, accomplishments, hopes, frustrations, my ups and downs, my fears.

In the last couple of weeks i have been hunted by this word CANCER… it seems to be every where i turn… on TV ..the internet…I shut my eyes to sleep and it is there. Deep in my slumber the episode below plays…

… in the pleading eyes of a patient, he looks up to his doctor to make something positive out of his bleak circumstances. The doctors says exactly what the physician already has – ” the medicines we’re trying aren’t working, we don’t know of any that will, we will support you in any way we can, we wish it could be different”. “I hope for a lot and no i’m not giving up” he says….

It scares me so much because I know a lot of people who have died from this disease. Even closer to home, a member of my immediate family was previously diagnosed with cancer… But by HIS grace was healed of it… now my fear is….. Why… am I dreaming of this terrible disease…. Arhhhh… I don’t even want to envision what I think my mind is trying to tell me ….. Noooooo… I refuse to ……

This makes me question a lot of things, makes me ponder the meaning of life. Now the shocking thing is that, considering I have been silently hunted by this word …. a very dear friend of mine loses her uncle to it… just days after I had yet another dream of this treaties disease. OMDZZZ… my fear volume has been turned up a notch…yet again!!!

My friend’s loss made me think that when a close one dies, it makes one feel all alone like being stuck in a hole. Now…the question going through my head is… Lord… Why… Why do people have to die? Leave their loved one’s, in pain to cry. What are you up to God; they haven’t done anything wrong, how could this be happening to someone so wonderful? Stuck in cancer limbo hell where they’re not dying, but they’re something short of really living. where their blood counts keep them tethered to the hospital with bleeding and infection and transfusion needs lurking around every corner. where, medically, there’s very little to do except react to a variety of flares the body throws up. where, as a wife, husband, dad, mum, child, close family member or friend,… is saddened and heart broken when things take a turn for the worse. LORD WHY!!!!!

As a strong believer of Christ, I know my faith is being tested by these foolish dreams of Cancer. It is in such periods where i know physicians are rendered impotent from lack of things to ‘do’, and GOD’s care moves to the front lines. – for conversation on long days, for encouragement, for helping to navigate increasingly difficult terrain. to help process negative reports from the doctors…. to comfort loved ones….

With that said……I refused to let fear take over but rather I decide to stand in faith and PRAY for Gods healing on those afflicted with this disease. I know I can never imagine what anyone who has cancer might be going through but what I know is that God is in control and he cares. He sees your pain; your tears as they fall, look to your father in heaven and on him you must call. I know that sometimes life things don’t seem fair but God wouldn’t put on you more than what you can bear. So just keep the “Hope” what ever you do and know in Gods timing there a healing for you.

Sadly enough, there are people who suffer a lot with this disease, and yet still die from it. Words can not describe the pain close ones go through; to see the life of their dad, brother, sister, mum, child, cousin, aunt or uncle, husband or wife abruptly taken away from them.

What i do know is that Cancer is so limited…It cannot cripple love. It cannot shatter hope. It cannot corrode faith. It cannot eat away peace. It cannot destroy confidence. It cannot kill friendship. It cannot shut out memories. It cannot silence courage. It cannot reduce eternal life. Most importantly it cannot quench the Spirit.

My darling friend ENO. I Love you so much my huni. You have been more than a friend to me, more like a sister. God is on the throne and he Knows whats up…just know he has gone to a perfect place to rest…….. love you plenty .Xxxxxxxx